Barnacle Love Read online

  BARNACLE LOVE

  BARNACLE LOVE

  Anthony De Sa

  Published by

  Algonquin Books of Chapel Hill

  Post Office Box 2225

  Chapel Hill, North Carolina 27515-2225

  a division of

  Workman Publishing

  225 Varick Street

  New York, New York 10014

  © 2008 by Anthony De Sa.

  All rights reserved.

  Printed in the United States of America.

  First published in Canada by Anchor Canada, 2008.

  Design by Terri Nimmo.

  Grateful acknowledgment is made to the following for

  permission to reprint previously published material:

  “Caged Bird,” copyright © 1983 by Maya Angelou, from Shaker, Why Don’t

  You Sing? by Maya Angelou. Used by permission of Random House, Inc.

  Excerpt from the essay “Nothing Personal” from The Price of the Ticket:

  Collected Non-Fiction 1945–1985, by James Baldwin. Published by

  St. Martin’s Press, New York. Reprinted by arrangement with

  The James Baldwin Estate.

  This is a work of fiction. While, as in all fiction, the literary perceptions and insights are based on experience, all names, characters, places, and incidents either are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously.

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication

  De Sa, Anthony.

  Barnacle love / Anthony De Sa.—1st pbk. ed.

  p. cm.

  ISBN 978-1-56512-926-9

  1. Portuguese—Canada—Fiction. 2. Domestic fiction. I. Title.

  PR9199.4.D486B37 2010

  813’.6—dc22 2010020929

  10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

  First Paperback Edition

  In memory of my mother and father

  Contents

  Part I Terra Nova

  Of God and Cod

  Reason to Blame

  Fado

  Made of Me

  Barnacle Love

  Part II Caged Birds Sing

  Urban Angel

  Shoeshine Boy

  Senhor Canada

  Pounding Their Shadows

  Mr. Wong Presents Jesus

  Acknowledgments

  BARNACLE LOVE

  I

  TERRA NOVA

  For nothing is fixed, forever and forever and forever, it is not fixed; the earth is always shifting, the light is always changing, the sea does not cease to grind down rock. Generations do not cease to be born, and we are responsible to them because we are the only witnesses they have. The sea rises, the light fails, lovers cling to each other, and children cling to us. The moment we cease to hold each other, the sea engulfs us and the light goes out.

  James Baldwin

  OF GOD AND COD

  THERE IS NOTHING HE CAN DO. He is lifted high into the air by the swells that roll, break, and crash upon themselves. His dory is smashed, the flotsam scattered: pieces of white jagged wood afloat, tangled in knotted rope, nothing much to grab hold of before the ocean lifts him higher, only to drop him into its turbulent waters, catching him in the current. Again, he pierces the surface, the biting cold filling his lungs as he coughs and sputters. It is the moment he needs. He reaches into his sweater and draws out the crucifix, which glistens in the moon’s light. He twirls it between puckered fingers, places it in his mouth—between his clicking teeth. He feels its weight and shape cushioned on his tongue, closes his blue lips and allows himself to let go, to sink beneath the foaming surface into the dark molasses sea.

  Big Lips. Are you here?

  The Portuguese call it saudade: a longing for something so indefinite as to be indefinable. Love affairs, miseries of life, the way things were, people already dead, those who left and the ocean that tossed them on the shores of a different land—all things born of the soul that can only be felt.

  Manuel Antonio Rebelo was a product of this passion. He grew up with the tales of his father, a man who held two things most sacred, God and cod—bacalhau—and not always in that order. His father’s words formed vivid pictures of grizzled brave fishermen and whale hunters who left their families for months to fish the great waters off Terra Nova, the new land. Visions of mothers shrouded in black, of confused wives—the pregnant ones feeling alone, the others glad for the respite from pregnancy—spun in his mind. And then there were the scoured children, waving in their Sunday finery. The small boys bound in worn but neatly pressed blazers and creased shorts. The little girls scattered like popcorn in their outgrown Communion dresses as they watched their fathers’ ascents onto magnificent ships. In his dreams Manuel saw the men with their torn and calloused hands, faces worn, dark and toughened by the salted mist. As a child he would sit by the cliffs for hours, dangling his bare feet over the side of the hundred-foot drop to the shore, kicking the rock with his pink heels, placing his hands over his eyes to shield the sunlight, already yearning for the fading figures of the White Fleet.

  “One day I’ll disappear,” he’d say aloud.

  He could make out the faint shadow of a large fish that circled just under the skinned surface of the water.

  “Did you hear that, Big Lips?” he shouted.

  As if in response, the large grouper seemed to stop. Manuel could see the fish’s fins fanning against the mottled blue and green of the ocean’s rocky shallows. He had once befriended one of these gentle giants. The villagers believed that these fish could live for up to one hundred years. This was in part due to the story of Eduarda Ramos, one of the village midwives, who insisted she had reclaimed her wedding band from the belly of a large grouper her son had caught—fifty-three years after she had lost the ring while cleaning some fish by the shore.

  As the large fish swam away and disappeared into the ocean’s darker depths, Manuel couldn’t help but wonder if the fish he had named was still alive. If the fish he had just seen was Big Lips.

  Manuel’s yearning became a palpable ache. The Azores held nothing for him. The tiny island of São Miguel was suffocating, lost as it was in the middle of the Atlantic. Early in life he knew the world his mother had formed for him was too small, too predictable. He was the oldest boy. But it wasn’t for this reason alone that Manuel carried the burden of his mother’s dreams. He bore a close resemblance to his father: the liquid steel color of his eyes, his thick stubborn mound of blond hair, and the round angelic features of his face. The blunt noses, darker skin, and almost black, shrimp-like eyes that adorned his siblings had been borrowed from his mother’s side. Manuel thought they were all pretty and he loved them, but he also knew that in his mother’s mind they held no promise.

  “You are your father’s son. He lives in you,” she’d sigh. “You possess his greatness.” Manuel felt her breasts pressed flat against his back, her sharp chin digging into his head. “I can smell it in your breath’s sweetness.”

  Maria had plucked Manuel out of her brood and he became the chosen one. Her ambitions for her son were firm rather than clear: Manuel would become a man of importance, learned and respected in the village and beyond. He would have the advantage of private tutors, which meant his siblings would need to keep the bottoms of their shoes stuffed with corn husks to clog the holes and keep their feet dry. Manuel was often ashamed of himself as he walked up Rua Nova with his brothers and sisters, his polished shoes shining like the blue-black of a mussel. He would be taught a rigorous catechism by the village priest, Padre Carlos. The teachings of God would make him fair and virtuous.

  “It’s all for you, filho,” she’d say, often in front of her other children as they went about, cowering, in their daily chores. It was only because they loved Manuel and never once blamed him
for anything they were denied that he began to resent his mother’s cruelty.

  His ten-year-old brother Jose came home one day with a sick calf that he walked through the front door and into their narrow dark hallway. Everyone smiled and watched as the brother who loved animals above anything else tugged at the sickly calf, urged it out the back door toward a patch of tall grass. But the pastoral calm was interrupted by the sharp crack of dry wood. Manuel saw his young brother fall to the packed-earth floor like a ball of dough. His cheek lay pressed against the floor, he was afraid to lift his head. He licked the blood that trickled from the corner of his mouth. Manuel looked to his mother, who held the splintered end of the broom over her shoulder. She picked the boy up by the scruff of his collar and he dangled from her clenched fist.

  “You get this filthy beast out of here. This is our home, not a barn,” her voice shook.

  Jose turned the nervous animal around and, still in a daze, directed the reluctant calf back out the front door. Albina and the others continued their work. Maria Theresa da Conceição Rebelo sat back down on the chair and poured the beans into the sagging lap of her apron. Manuel picked up the broom. Looking straight at his mother, he flung the broken handle across the kitchen. The stoneware bowls that had been carefully set on the barnboard table smashed. He heard the drawn breaths of his sisters. His mother stood and the beans sprung from her apron across the floor. She cocked her hand over her shoulder. He stood still for what seemed like an eternity, challenging her with his glare. She lowered her arm as he stormed after his brother.

  He was twelve then. Manuel vowed that somehow he would make it all better. Freedom would provide opportunities for his siblings. But first, he would have to save himself.

  Now, at the age of twenty, Manuel maintained an indifference to Maria’s ambitions. Every spring he would venture to the same spot and perch himself on the overhang. He would look out to the sea, feel the warming winds against his pale smooth skin. His still-boyish cowlick pressed against his forehead. He’d carefully roll each of his socks into a ball, stuff them into his new leather shoes, to kick his now yellowed heels against the cliff wall with a vigor that had only intensified during the months he had spent in the mildewed Banco Micaelense, counting out escudos with a vacant smile, throwing open all windows to breathe in the sea, hearing Amalia’s despair on the radio, her riveting outbursts of emotion. He knew it was time to tell his mother.

  “Mãe, I’m going away for a while,” he said.

  She continued to hang the laundry on the line, the stubborn stains facing the house, the cleaner sides billowing toward the neighbours. She held wooden clothespins in her mouth—sometimes three at a time—securely between her crowded teeth.

  “Mãe, look at me,” he urged. “I need to go. I need to be part of a bigger world. I need to know if there’s room out there for me.”

  Her job was only interrupted for a fraction of a second. Manuel realized she had been waiting for this. Only yesterday she had walked into the bank, and he had noticed a disguised sadness in her step as she approached him in his white shirt and tie; she had pressed the shirt that morning and was pleased that the crease in his cuff had held. She continued hanging the clothes as if she hadn’t heard. But Manuel could sense her anger, the disappointment in allowing herself to believe it was possible for her children to want for themselves the same things she did. Maria Theresa da Conceição Rebelo stopped. Manuel looked away for a moment to catch the silhouettes of his brothers and sisters behind the muslin curtains of the house. Albina was twenty-two and the oldest child. Her hands rested on their young brothers, Mariano and Jose. They were eighteen, only ten months apart. Candida was fifteen and sat on the sill with her back leaning against the drapes. He had expected them to be there, listening from inside their shared bedrooms. He chose to move his blurred vision back toward his mother. His eyes traveled up to her hair, to the wisps that looped up, barely held by her hair comb. When did her hair turn gray? he thought.

  “Mãe—”

  “You look like your father.”

  She walked toward the house wiping her hands on a torn apron, kicking with her bare feet the feeding hens that got in her way. As she reached the door, she bent down and scooped one of the hens up and under her freckled arm. Turning to face her son, she stroked the chicken’s head with her free hand before her swollen, red fingers closed around its thin neck and tugged, just one quick yank before the bird’s head fell, still jerking.

  “Your supper will be ready soon,” and she slammed the door.

  They had not spoken. The night before he left, his mother had locked herself in her room. He found a package, brown folded paper tied neatly with trussing string, outside her bedroom door. He knew she wouldn’t come out. It had been too painful the first time, fifteen years back, when she had wrapped some cheese, bread, chouriço, and a few loose sheets of paper and bundled them all together with an embroidered dishtowel before she embraced her husband Antonio for the last time.

  Manuel untied the knots, their whorls flicking against the parcel. He stood in front of her door, hoping she’d hear the rustling of paper. He was mindful of refolding the paper and rolling the string into a ball—his mother could use it again. In the parcel, Manuel found a yellowed fisherman’s sweater smelling of ocean and, in a tiny envelope made of tin wrap, his father’s gold crucifix and chain. They were the only things that she had left of her husband; his body had been buried at sea. There were no words written on the paper or in the folds. He checked. He tried knocking, then stopped after three soft raps and put his lips to the door, touching the grain.

  “Adeus, Mãe,” he whispered.

  He couldn’t recall exactly what his father looked like, only his blue-gray eyes and warm smile. But he did remember sitting on his father’s knee and looking for the gleaming crucifix buried in his father’s chest hair. This was the same chain that he now placed around his neck. He swung the sweater under his arm and tossed his duffel bag over his shoulder, his fingers whitened by the strain. Later, tucked in his socks or wrapped in his underwear, Manuel would discover the gifts secretly offered, for fear of their mother’s disapproval, by his siblings: Albina’s embroidered M handkerchief, the copper whistle Jose used to herd cattle, and Mariano’s pocket knife. Also in his bag, pressed between his cotton undershirts, was a black-and-white photograph of Candida, lips pursed like a Hollywood actress caught in a hazy cloud of smoke. Manuel walked down the silent corridor and out the front door.

  He arrived in the cobbled square of Ponte Delgada before daybreak. The rigged ships waited, tethered to the docks; their white sails reflected the morning moon but barely rippled in the early breeze behind the makeshift altar. The altar had been constructed on the docks and bore the symbol of an intertwined cross and anchor. The sails would form the backdrop for the traditional farewell mass. Soon the square would be filled with crowds pushing their way up to the front, wanting to be touched by the priest, blessed by his hand.

  Manuel once understood that desire and need. He had reached out as a young boy when faced with the loss of his father. But his trust had been betrayed and his want silenced. He hadn’t thought of Padre Carlos for a while. Some things were best pushed far back into the dark places of the mind. But the impending voyage, his mother’s inability to understand his decision, had awakened the loneliness he had felt as a boy.

  “Those who serve me, serve God,” Padre Carlos had whispered.

  He could still feel the priest’s hot breath behind his ear.

  “It’s between us and God. Do you understand?”

  He shook his head, trying to drive away the fear and anger he still held for the priest his mother had entrusted with her young son.

  He opened his eyes to the early sky, ribbons of gold and pink, and the sounds of families trickling in to claim the coveted spots closest to the altar. The altar boys were busy preparing for mass, and the pesky vendors with their bloated and teetering carts encircled the square, droning, “Pequeno almoço! … P�
�o torrado, queijo! … Pequeno almoço!” Manuel responded to the stabs of the man’s nasal voice announcing breakfast by fumbling in his pocket for some escudos.

  “And as these brave men leave for the cold and foggy seas, we pray for them—for their work and sacrifice.” The priest paused for effect, then the homily continued toward its crescendo.

  “And we stay behind: mothers, wives, children. We remain! … And with us remains the promise that only God can return them safely to us.” He lowered his head.

  Manuel looked around. Maybe they came, he allowed himself to hope. He stopped himself by swinging his duffel hard over his back.

  He would be one of fifty-three men on board. Together, they would spend days thrown against the ship’s hull, stomachs churning with only the veined whites of their eyes exposed to the bitter spring cold. He was the first to walk past the embracing clusters, the wailing women and the oblivious children. He boarded the Argus, made his way down into her belly to begin the 1954 campanha. Unlike the other men on board who ventured and risked their lives for God, country, and family, Manuel knew that he would risk his life for a new beginning. He didn’t look back.

  The pounding of the sea was relentless. During the long days, the men talked of the foreign trawlers that hauled in thousands of pounds of cod while no man’s life was endangered.

  “But we are Portuguese … we need to protect the traditions of the fisherman.” Manuel heard these words. His eyes caught the streaks of orange embers coming from their cigarettes, their bodies dark and unseen as their hands gesticulated in circles or slashes only to stop and glow with every inhalation. “One man, one boat, one line dropped to the depths of the ocean,” another man in the huddle finished the sentiment. Manuel had remained silent for days. When he wasn’t retching into a tin pail from the constant motion or covering his nose and mouth with his sweater to filter the dank odors that wafted beneath the deck, he listened and learned: heard the men call him Boneco—doll, because of his big blue eyes and round face.